How to Use Praise to Gently Discipline Your Child
There’s a lot of things to be mindful and conscious about when you become parents, such as the food we prepare for the family, the toys we choose for our kids, how we deal with their big feelings, but one thing that caught me off guard was that we needed to be mindful even with the way we ‘praise’ them.
Our words have always been a powerful tool for us to deal with people, even more so with our kiddos. Praises have always been thought of as a way to boost self-esteem among people, but did you know that the way we ‘praise’ our kids can have a subtly negative effect if we use the common ‘good job’, ‘so smart’, ‘so clever’?
So from one learning parent to another, I will be sharing with you five ways on how we can effectively use praise to teach our kids to have a Growth mindset.
1. Focus on the result and effort, not on the product.
A lot of times, we tend to focus more on a lot of generic praises that focus more on the outcome. Standard examples of these praises are ‘good job’, or ‘very good’. But this brings about the thought in a child that to be acknowledged, they need to have a worthy product or end result before we can give them due credit.
We can tweak the wording by focusing more on the effort they’ve exerted to get the job done! Because after all, we want our kids to realize that the process to reach the goal is so much more important than the actual result. So we can use words such as “You did it!”, “You learned to do that? Wow”, which focuses more on what they’re actually capable of achieving.
2. Be specific, so they will know what it is that they did correctly.
So okay, the phrase ‘good job’ may be thrown out way too often (but really, as a former teacher, this habit was very much ingrained in me), but our kiddos may be confused as to what it is that they did a good job exactly. Was it their act? Their smile? Them breathing? They wouldn’t know what to repeat in the future if we don’t specifically elaborate what it is they did a good job of.
Applying what we learned from our first point, using the words such as “You did it!,” and adding specific words such as “You threw your diaper in the trash!” makes them recognize the specific act. This also enforces the words and language that you use, allowing them to absorb even more functional words while you’re at it!
3. Use descriptive words and point out the things that you noticed.
The next time your child comes up to you with a painting or some finished activity work with their legos, instead of merely saying “What a pretty flower”, or guessing their work, state a few observations of their work, or ask them to explain. Examples of this can be “Look at all the colors you’ve used,” or “This looks interesting, can you tell me why you chose this piece?”
Our child’s brain is immensely capable of absorbing a lot of things all at once when they’re 0 – 6 years old. This is a very opportune time to expose them to lots of words and even to different languages! So be generous with the words you can use to describe their work, and when you have no clue on what to say, try to tinker with your child’s thought process. ☺️
4. When in doubt of what to say, simply say thank you.
Sometimes, when our child has done something relatively well, when they’ve managed to listen to us after the nth time of repeating ourselves, we can simply say thank you to them. Thank you for showing us the work. Thank you for showing us the act. Because after all, we are merely observers of them discovering who they are as they grow.
Saying thank you a lot of times is also easier to instill in them the trait of being thankful as well. Instead of constantly telling them ‘what do we say?’ as a prompt when we give them something, constantly modelling to them how we say thank you to even the most simple of things makes the learning more natural and intrinsically motivates them to do something next time.
5. Sometimes, no words are needed.
As parents, we may feel the constant need to always say something to fill the silence, or to establish a connection with our kids. But sometimes, our body language speaks a lot more for ourselves. Keeping eye contact with them, showing them a warm and proud smile, a gentle pat on the back, these are all genuine expressions of how we can enforce any good behaviour.
We don’t always need to fill in the silence, and sometimes, processing your facial expressions can also prepare them for when they go out in the real world. Because sometimes, praise expressed verbally is not always given where it’s due. But a simple acknowledgement in body language can also go a long way to again, intrinsically motivate our kids.
A lot of these points above are covered by Sarah Ockwell-Smith in her book ‘Gentle Discipline’, which I highly recommend for you to read when you have the time. And remember, it’s ok if we drop the occasional ‘good job’ bomb, it won’t ruin our child completely. In parenting, it’s always a learning journey, so be gentle with yourself as well as you try to change wordings that are so ingrained in us.
Cheering for you as always, dear parent! Do share in the comments below, which tip would you use to implement to your little ones today? ☺️
