How to Stop Your Child from Hitting: Respectful and Effective Parenting Tips

One of the top behaviours parents struggle the most when they decide to do respectful parenting is dealing with their toddler hitting them. Most of us grew up with being hit by our parents, and we either vow never to do it to our own kids, or end up hitting them when we’ve had enough. Especially when our kids start hitting us. 

Before we dive into the ‘how’, we should first understand why kids hit. In a nutshell: our kids’ brains are still developing. Their impulse control is peanuts compared to us adults. Hence, whenever they feel triggered (when things don’t go their way), overwhelmed (when they have too many choices, or we’re hurrying them too much) or unsafe (when all these big feelings are happening), their brain defaults to fight, freeze or fawn. Cue the hitting. 

Now that we know this, we can then prepare for the events that might trigger them to hit. But I’ll pre-empt this by first reminding everyone that we cannot control what other people (i.e our kids) do, we can only control ourselves and what we will do. And so with that in mind, here are respectful parenting strategies to help reduce and respond to hitting. 

1. Prepare the Environment

Prevention is always better than cure. Before your child even reaches the point where hitting feels like their only option, set both of you up for success. As a parent, that means preparing your response —or better yet, practicing lengthening the pause between their action and your reaction. The bigger our reaction, the more likely the hitting persists.

For your kids, ask yourself: Where can I help them channel and alleviate that hitting energy safely?  Hitting often arises when their ‘frustration cup’ is overfull, and to alleviate the aggression that arises from it, you can redirect them where they can appropriately hit. Even better, preparing our environment to avoid even reaching the point when their frustration cup is overfilled.

Some ways to do this:

• Building calming and predictable routines, 
• Avoid overscheduling your kids with structured activities AND allowing more time for free play
• Ensuring that they’re well-fed, rested, and hydrated 
• Creating pockets of time within the day to truly connect with your child. Even just 9 intentional minutes can soften aggressive behavior. 

2. Make It Playful

Another way to make sure that their frustration cup is not overfilled is to rechannel that hitting energy into something more playful. And which kid doesn’t like to play? Even we adults need to play. But here are two of the best ways to redirect your kiddos to stop hitting, or at the very least, to pause and to make a better choice. 

Role Play

Sometimes our kids also hit simply because they don’t know yet what else to do with their big feelings, or how to express their frustrations or anger in more appropriate ways. So remember that our kids are valid to feel whatever big feelings they have in the first place that made them want to hit, BUT their hitting is NOT okay. 

Role play with a stuffed toy to practice spotting the telltale signs of rising anger, such as clenching of fists or mouth, a racing heart, or a tense face. And then tell them what to do to regulate those feelings (i.e. to calm down). Or let them tell the stuffed toy what it should do! Often, kids do know that they shouldn’t do certain things, but NOT what to do instead. 

Make a Jingle

Songs are simply wonderful in the sense that you can change your tone or words or pitch and maybe even get a dance session in to release all that aggression. When both you or your kids notice the tension or the feeling of wanting to hit, sometimes becoming silly and singing your made-up jingle helps them easily remember what they can do instead of hitting. 

It doesn’t have to be complex, even a simple “if you’re angry and you know it, stamp your feet” with over-exaggerated tones might make them think twice before hitting you, their sibling, or their friend. And that one second is sometimes all you need to help them make a better choice. 

3. Spark Conversations About Emotional Regulation 

One simple way to spark conversations is when both you and your kids are reading a book, where you can ask them things like:

• “What do you think this character is feeling right now?”
• “What do you think they might do next?’ 
• “What else could they do instead?’ 

You can further share your own experiences of those moments when YOU yourself felt like hitting something. However, I’d like to point out that kids are the epitome of the saying ‘monkey see, monkey do’. Hence, make sure to model how you yourself are regulating your emotions whenever you’re upset. And that if they see you hitting others or even them whenever you’re upset, it would be tough to convince them to stop hitting when they’re feeling upset. 

4. Use Your Presence and Language

Sometimes, there is just no one simple cure to get them to stop hitting. But to simply be present with them, no judgements, no accusations, no praise. Just be. No matter what stage of parenting you are, just be there for them, without judgment, without having to solve their problems, sometimes without even words, and simply just be with them.  

Speak words of encouragement about how kind and good they are. Notice and affirm that belief when you see the good behavior, such as turn taking with toys, helping to set the table, offering to do something for others, and you will see more of these behaviors. When you speak highly of them, they’ll eventually believe that of themselves. And your words will always be their internal language of how they speak to themselves. 

Parenting is hard – and often a thankless job. We’re all just doing our best, and remember that our kids’ behaviour is something we cannot control; what we can control is ourselves. But the fact that you’re showing up for your kids by even reading this blog says a lot about the kind of parent you want to be, and that is the first step. 

IF any of this resonated, let me know in the comments below which one you liked best, and subscribe to my newsletter to be informed of any updates or bonuses. 

Other blog posts you might be interested: 

Five Simple Ways to Connect with your Child Today

How to Stay Calm as a Parent

Cheering for you in this journey we have together, 

Kristine.