How to Stay Calm as a Parent
If you’re a toddler parent, the words “stay calm” sometimes ceases to exist from our parenting language. Throw in the irrational and inconvenient tantrum times (but really though, when has it ever been convenient?), their food throwing antics, impulse hitting behavior, and their defiant “NO” at everything you offer, and the blood pressure oftentimes rockets high above the atmosphere.
And even if we advocate more gentle and respectful parenting strategies, it doesn’t mean that we as parents are exempt from losing our cool on these episodes. We’re all humans after all. I myself, lose my temper and do things that I end up regretting later. But from my ‘expansive’ (barely 2 years) experience and some readings, I’m going to share with you some tips on how to stay calm in the face of situations that just push our buttons.
1. Acknowledge that you’re not a perfect parent and neither is your child.
First things first, let’s go and face the battlefield with the correct mindset. We need a reality check that we will never be perfect parents. And ultimately, what our kids need isn’t perfect, but for us to be present with them.
Hence, expect that mistakes will be made, but it is our capability to apologize for the unintended intention of punishing and striving to do better that makes a difference for our child’s development. We model repairing relationships, apologizing, and that we too, are humans that make mistakes.
2. Reshift our perspective: how to help our child.
Remember that our kids’ whining, crying and other forms of ‘naughty’ misbehavior are all forms of communication. As the ever famous saying goes, ‘my kid is not giving me a hard time, he IS having a hard time’. They need our help to control their base impulses, to be lovingly firm with boundaries, and to address their underlying need (be it physiological, emotional, or even social).
When we try to see that they need our help more than anything else, it does help us to reign in our base impulses to do something that we might regret later on.
3. Validate feelings (both yours and your child).
If you’ve been a reader of this blog for quite some time, you may be familiar with the step of always validating your child’s feelings. We don’t tell them to stop crying, try to make everything okay, or suppress whatever it is they’re feeling. But to take stock of our own feelings? Yeah, not the usual one.
This step of allowing us to acknowledge our own emotions of frustration and validate it will also further model to our kids how to feel our own emotions. Its okay to feel frustrated. And the situation doesn’t say anything about our parenting.
4. Pause, take a deep breathe, and assess.
This first step is always the hardest to pull off. But after making a habit of doing this thing, it will become almost second nature for you to reflexively take a few deep breathes to help calm down your raging nerves. It might sound cliche but there’s a reason why it’s a saying. It is scientifically proven to help you calm down, for even just a bit. Or at least to gain back some sense of control of your fight-or-flight reflex.
It can then help you to assess the situation properly before reacting. Is your kid or someone else in danger? If not, a big reaction may not be so necessary, and you can pull a few other strategies from your toolbox to navigate the current situation (hopefully without losing it).
5. Exit and take a break.
When you know that you’re at your breaking point (this is why it’s important to also know your triggers and become aware of your current feelings), it might be time for a much needed self-directed time out. If possible, tag your partner or another trusted caregiver to help care fro your child while taking a few precious moments to ground yourself.
This may be a luxury for people who don’t always have their partners or people to entrust their kids to. But you can still exit from said situation by leaving your child in a relatively safe environment and take a few moments for yourself in another room if needed.
6. Take care of yourself.
Dear parents, we cannot give from an empty cup. If we’re sleep deprived, not meeting our own basic needs of eating a hot meal, not having something we look forward to do on our unending to-do lists, it will be very hard to keep our sanity, much less ‘remain calm’. The practice of putting on our oxygen masks first in an aircraft emergency applies in parenting as well.
Even if it’s just taking five minutes of your whole day to do some version of self care. It doesn’t even have to be a full blown staycation, but anything that will serve you and make you happy. Fill in your tank, to be able to take care of the people that matter most to you as well.
7. Rest as your child rests.
Just a gentle reminder that your house doesn’t always have to be clean all the time. The price of letting the dishes sit in the sink or the pile of laundry building up in exchange for a decent rest or something that you look forward to doing is worth it. Take advantage of nap or quiet times to recharge yourself.
Take that much needed break without guilt, to decompress the budding resentment or attempt of becoming a better version of you. Or at the very least become better at keeping your calm and prevent situations where you end up doing something you’ll regret.
And there you have it dear parents, seven tips on how to remain calm as a parent. You can also listen to another parent that I follow to learn more about Montessori strategies, Ashley’s family vlog. Check out her video about this same topic here.
If you want also another parenting posts in this blog:
How To Create ‘Yes Spaces’ (Safe Spaces for Your Toddler)
Ways To Repair With Your Child After Yelling at Them
How to Use Praise to Gently Discipline Your Child
As always, cheering for you in this parenting journey we have together.
Kristine 🌸✨
