Ways to Teach our Kids about Resolving Conflict
We all want our kids to become resolutely astute in resolving conflict. For our kids to know when to push for their rights, autonomy, and not at the expense of assaulting other people in the process when things DON’T go their way. Life will inevitably throw them curveballs and situations which will be tricky with conflict, and we can’t shield them completely from that.
Hence, it’s imperative that we model and equip them with some tools they can use in dodging this curveball. So that while they’re still with us and dealing with the so-called ‘simple things in life’ (which again, are not so simple for them at all), they’ll eventually know to deal with the bigger things in life.
So from one learning parent to another, here are five ways we can teach our kids how to resolve conflict at home, school, or even with anyone in particular. Most of these suggestions come from the amazing book “How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen” by Joanna Faber & Julie King. Highly recommend this for parents with little kids. And without further ado, let’s dive in.
1. Acknowledge all feelings.
I mean, this step will always be part of the equation. This will always be the first step to raising our kids to become emotionally resilient adults. But this time, we not only acknowledge the feelings of our kids. We also acknowledge the feelings of everyone. Our feelings as the parents (if we’re involved), the other kid’s feelings (if they’re part of the conflict such as siblings), and even the occasional delivery man that brings us stuff in this time of the pandemic.
An important thing to take note of, however, in times of heightened emotions, is that we must never blame our kids for our emotions. We’re the adults here. We’re capable of taking care and coping with our own emotions. Never make our kids become responsible for making us feel better.
Instead of,
“You make me so angry whenever you say no to all of my suggestions!”
Try,
“I’m angry right now. I need to take a break and maybe we can discuss again later for more acceptable suggestions.”
2. Model offering them a choice.
In times of conflict, offering a choice is one way of breaking the rising wave of emotions. It shifts the power struggle into a collaborative mode for both parties. Sometimes an “OR” is a better wording for “NO”. When we come up with plausible options for both parties, bring them to the table, it models as well some problem-solving skills that they can use in the future when they find themselves in the same situation.
On one important note, never use this step with offering a punishment of some sort.
Examples are “Which hand do you want me to smack you with, the right or the left?”. Modeling offering a choice when they ultimately don’t really feel comfortable with any of the options breaks the model of this tool to be used in problem-solving. It only invites them to keep quiet or to rebel even further in the future.
Instead of,
“What do I even do with you? I already told you that you can’t draw on the sofa”
Try,
“I see drawing is very fun, isn’t it? We can only draw on certain places, however. Where do you want to draw, on the paper or on the box?”
3. Modeling ‘repair’ in a hurt relationship.
The good old-fashioned “say you’re sorry” lines have always been one way to force an apology once the hurt has been bestowed. But unfortunately, it doesn’t teach our kids to become truly sincere when they say enforced words. Nor does it teach our kids to resolve conflict or to stop repeating the ‘misdeed’ in the future.
What we can do is to draw our kid’s attention to other people’s (parties) facial expressions. And add the words, “what can we do to make them feel better?”. This line not only drops the feelings of ‘shame’, ‘guilt’, or the notion that they’re a bad kid (because oftentimes kids don’t know better what have they done wrong), it also encourages them to focus on what they can do to improve the situation, which is always a better attitude moving forward.
Instead of,
“You hurt your sister again! Say sorry!”
Try,
“Your sister looks upset because that hit was painful, what can we do to make her feel better? Do you want to give her her teddy bear or offer her a snack?” (if they’re too young to give suggestions, you can also offer your own suggestions).
4. Lay down the law (our boundaries).
We want our kids to be able to draw the line with things they’re uncomfortable with, and also to not be a pushover, especially in the real world where they might be taken advantage of. Kids are usually good at pushing boundaries but for them to lay down their own bodily autonomy may be a bit tricky.
When handling their tantrums, being firm with our boundaries is always key for them to feel safe that we’re in charge when the big feelings overwhelm them. In terms of conflict, we also need to be firm when to stop negotiating. Especially when it comes to our kids’ (and other people’s) safety, modeling our firmness helps them to emanate it in the future as well.
When boundaries are being tested, especially when everyone’s safety is at risk, it is better to remove the object that triggered it (screentime, toy, playtime, etc.) or to remove the child to a safer place to release the big feelings or from the situation in general.
5. Invite them to problem-solve.
Another important skill for our kids to develop is problem-solving. When we offer choices, encourage our options, and it doesn’t seem to work out, we can try inviting our kids to suggest their own suggestions. Even if it doesn’t seem to be rational, just merely invite them to write down their suggestions and don’t immediately shut them down. After they start the ball running, you can then also list down your own suggestions. Alternate suggestions with each other.
You can then proceed to discuss with each other on crossing out the suggestions that both don’t agree with and further expounding on the suggestion that you both can agree on. Don’t knock it till you try it. Kids can come up with some amazing out-of-the-box solutions. And see how they willingly perform this solution since they’re the ones that came up with it.
There you have it, dear parent. Five ways to teach our kids how to deal with conflict. If you need any more respectful parenting tips and tricks, you might be interested in the following posts here in my blog:
Five Simple Ways to Connect with your Child Today
Simple Ways To Teach Body Consent to Our Children
As always, cheering for you dear parent, in this parenting journey we have together!
Kristine🌼
